my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
