You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Let's get the cat blown out
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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