Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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