Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
