i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
