i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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