I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
