But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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