I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
