I murdered the dance floor call the cops
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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