We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Randomize
