You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
