I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
