I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
