I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
