If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
