The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
