why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
