JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Houston, we have a squirter
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
