nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
