its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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