your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
