i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
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