if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
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There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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