He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
