Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
