I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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