I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
