I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
