he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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