Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
