yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
