I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
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One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
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i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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