She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
