Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize