cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
