I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
