I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
