she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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