I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
