You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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