so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Text me some of your sweat
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
