I think I won the penis lottery.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
