Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
