She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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