if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
