im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
