mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
