i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
