What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
We are all done wearing pants today
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
