i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
