clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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