Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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