Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
