its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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