Don't make out with my wife yet
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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