yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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