Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I love you. Go after that dick
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
