Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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