i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
i think i just lost a toe
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
