is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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